So I have been really bummed because my breast size has increased again. I'm now an F cup. That is insane! Today, like I usually do, I posted my woes on the nest. Low and behold two other ladies have the same problem. One of them was still online and told me that she has the exact same problem I did. I was so grateful to hear that I wasn't alone. I was also learned that my Endo should have been monitoring me more closely. My dosage also probably needs to be increased and that I may have a pituitary tumor. That is kind of scary but it is manageable. I am so over my breasts hurting and be so swollen all the damn time.
For the first time in a long time (3 years to be exact), I have hope for this. I am very hopeful knowing what I know now. I only help my levels aren't so elevated that they cause me to be infertile. That would destroy something inside me. Now I know why I feel so fatigued all the time and why half the time I am walking around like a damn zombie. So now I just have to tell my Endo that he needs to freakin shape up. There is only one other Endo and he won't see me. I may try to call and get an appointment with him now that I have a diagnosis.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Lots of Random Things
This week has been exhausting. I have been just drained this whole week. Last night was awesome. Nate and I just both felt icky so we curled up on the couch last night and watched a movie last night. It was incredibly sweet and romantic. I love that we still feel like this after 5 years. I’m so in love with him it’s ridiculous. Oooh we also shared some yummy Chinese food last night. I was a happy girl. We were supposed to go out with Mike, Steve and Ash, but they got started too late for us old fogies! We crashed right after they called. Quite sad really.
Monday is my aunt’s double mastectomy and breast reconstructive surgery. I am anxious about this. I am hoping all goes well with her and there are no complications. I hope they are able to get all the cancer and that she heals swiftly. We won’t visit her right away since my grandparents, my mom and her sister that lives in the area will probably all be at her house. It’s just too many people in that house even with as huge as it is. I’m hoping to go up the weekend of the 13-15th. We will have to see how that works out.
Still trying for the baby of course. Started a new cycle so I am anxiously awaiting my O date. Supposedly according to FF last month, I didn’t O at all. I was kind of bummed about that but soon enough it will be time to try again. Who knew TTC could be so stressful? I sure didn’t. I find myself obsessing about my temps and my charts, and I have to say I think I am nuts! Even Nathan thinks I am obsessed. I try to keep my baby craziness to a minimum around him, but I guess I don’t do a good job. Poor Bastard! Sometimes I feel sorry for my own husband (for the nesties that read this lol). Seriously. I don’t know how he deals with my crazy all day every day.
I ordered more PG tests online as well as ovulation predictor kits. They should be here in time for my testing and what not. I bought 14 OP tests so I can test twice a day. A nestie told me this was the best way. So I shall try it. I also still have a couple left over from the last attempt.
I want to make a dutch apple pie for Nathan this weekend. It’s our favorite kind of pie and I think it would be fun to play in the kitchen. This may be the last weekend I bake in this apartment. The kitchen is so small and cramped.
I am so excited to be moving into our new townhome on the 20th. There is so much space and so many neat things about it. Right now in our apartment we have a bathroom in and very near our rooms, the kitchen is small and we have an upstairs neighbor. The townhome is a two story, 2.5 bath, 2 BR place. It has a decently sized kitchen (perfect for me), and no one has to go through our rooms to use the restroom. Woo! Bedrooms are upstairs and it even has a fire place. I am ecstatic about that. It also has high cathedral ceilings and a VERY large living area. I bought some cute bathroom stuff for the guest bath last night. I will finish buying more bathroom stuff before we leave.
My aunt is also giving us a washer dryer set for our place. No more getting quarters, laundry mats, having to lug everything across the way and doing laundry when it’s all cold and rainy. No more doing 9 load of laundry all in one day. I can just throw stuff in the washer and when it’s full we just turn it on. I am super excited about this. Woohoo! Here’s to moving on up in the world.
Monday is my aunt’s double mastectomy and breast reconstructive surgery. I am anxious about this. I am hoping all goes well with her and there are no complications. I hope they are able to get all the cancer and that she heals swiftly. We won’t visit her right away since my grandparents, my mom and her sister that lives in the area will probably all be at her house. It’s just too many people in that house even with as huge as it is. I’m hoping to go up the weekend of the 13-15th. We will have to see how that works out.
Still trying for the baby of course. Started a new cycle so I am anxiously awaiting my O date. Supposedly according to FF last month, I didn’t O at all. I was kind of bummed about that but soon enough it will be time to try again. Who knew TTC could be so stressful? I sure didn’t. I find myself obsessing about my temps and my charts, and I have to say I think I am nuts! Even Nathan thinks I am obsessed. I try to keep my baby craziness to a minimum around him, but I guess I don’t do a good job. Poor Bastard! Sometimes I feel sorry for my own husband (for the nesties that read this lol). Seriously. I don’t know how he deals with my crazy all day every day.
I ordered more PG tests online as well as ovulation predictor kits. They should be here in time for my testing and what not. I bought 14 OP tests so I can test twice a day. A nestie told me this was the best way. So I shall try it. I also still have a couple left over from the last attempt.
I want to make a dutch apple pie for Nathan this weekend. It’s our favorite kind of pie and I think it would be fun to play in the kitchen. This may be the last weekend I bake in this apartment. The kitchen is so small and cramped.
I am so excited to be moving into our new townhome on the 20th. There is so much space and so many neat things about it. Right now in our apartment we have a bathroom in and very near our rooms, the kitchen is small and we have an upstairs neighbor. The townhome is a two story, 2.5 bath, 2 BR place. It has a decently sized kitchen (perfect for me), and no one has to go through our rooms to use the restroom. Woo! Bedrooms are upstairs and it even has a fire place. I am ecstatic about that. It also has high cathedral ceilings and a VERY large living area. I bought some cute bathroom stuff for the guest bath last night. I will finish buying more bathroom stuff before we leave.
My aunt is also giving us a washer dryer set for our place. No more getting quarters, laundry mats, having to lug everything across the way and doing laundry when it’s all cold and rainy. No more doing 9 load of laundry all in one day. I can just throw stuff in the washer and when it’s full we just turn it on. I am super excited about this. Woohoo! Here’s to moving on up in the world.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Being a Stay at Home Mom...My Internal Struggle
So lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. With the whole trying to conceive issue at the front of my mind, I have been pondering being a stay at home mom. The idea has always scared me. It has always been something I said I would NEVER do.
The reason it scares me is that it is surrendering all control (financial). I am like a man in the sense that I feel my paycheck gives me a say in how our family is run. Nathan is not so presumptuous to say anything like that at all, it’s just how I feel. Nathan respects the hell out of stay home moms, but I feel that I contribute to our family with a paycheck.
This isn’t to say stay at home moms don’t by any means. I also see these women on the nest who stay in their crappy relationships because she is a stay at home mom and has no job or income. What if that’s me? I don’t think Nathan would leave me but you never know what life holds. He could get sick of me one day and just leave. What happens if I have kids at this time? Then I will have been out of a job for so long. I will have no marketable skills, no experience, nothing that will help me provide for my children. The economy is crappy and I expect it to be for a while.
But, Nathan makes a good point. One I have thought about over and over again. He wants me to stay home at least for the first couple of years. He doesn’t want our kids to speak their first words or their take their first steps in the company of strangers. He wants it to be something we get to see. I totally agree, and I want to. But there is still that part of me that is scared and logical. I want to be the first one to see the major milestones in my child’s life. I don’t want to get told about it by a babysitter. *sigh* I would love to stay home! I like cooking and cleaning for the most part. I like taking care of my family, and doing things for people. It has always been my personality. I could have so much fun baking and enjoying my kiddos and animals.
Yet the whole time these thoughts are playing in my head, I can’t help but wonder what if? What if Nathan resents me for being able to stay home? What if I feel inadequate about not providing for our family? I wouldn’t be able to handle Nathan resenting me for staying home. He’s told me he wouldn’t but I can’t help but wonder. I always expect the worst and hope for the best.
The longer we try for a baby, the more I want to stay home. It hasn’t been long by any means, I just have these fleeting thoughts of falling asleep on the couch with our new baby, or playing a game with a toddler. And it makes me super happy until these horrible what if’s come creeping in. I am really confused.
There are pros and cons to both lifestyles. I just can’t decide between the two. It’s not like I even have to but it’s just something that I toy with quite a bit. It’s something that is very prevalent in my waking thoughts.
The reason it scares me is that it is surrendering all control (financial). I am like a man in the sense that I feel my paycheck gives me a say in how our family is run. Nathan is not so presumptuous to say anything like that at all, it’s just how I feel. Nathan respects the hell out of stay home moms, but I feel that I contribute to our family with a paycheck.
This isn’t to say stay at home moms don’t by any means. I also see these women on the nest who stay in their crappy relationships because she is a stay at home mom and has no job or income. What if that’s me? I don’t think Nathan would leave me but you never know what life holds. He could get sick of me one day and just leave. What happens if I have kids at this time? Then I will have been out of a job for so long. I will have no marketable skills, no experience, nothing that will help me provide for my children. The economy is crappy and I expect it to be for a while.
But, Nathan makes a good point. One I have thought about over and over again. He wants me to stay home at least for the first couple of years. He doesn’t want our kids to speak their first words or their take their first steps in the company of strangers. He wants it to be something we get to see. I totally agree, and I want to. But there is still that part of me that is scared and logical. I want to be the first one to see the major milestones in my child’s life. I don’t want to get told about it by a babysitter. *sigh* I would love to stay home! I like cooking and cleaning for the most part. I like taking care of my family, and doing things for people. It has always been my personality. I could have so much fun baking and enjoying my kiddos and animals.
Yet the whole time these thoughts are playing in my head, I can’t help but wonder what if? What if Nathan resents me for being able to stay home? What if I feel inadequate about not providing for our family? I wouldn’t be able to handle Nathan resenting me for staying home. He’s told me he wouldn’t but I can’t help but wonder. I always expect the worst and hope for the best.
The longer we try for a baby, the more I want to stay home. It hasn’t been long by any means, I just have these fleeting thoughts of falling asleep on the couch with our new baby, or playing a game with a toddler. And it makes me super happy until these horrible what if’s come creeping in. I am really confused.
There are pros and cons to both lifestyles. I just can’t decide between the two. It’s not like I even have to but it’s just something that I toy with quite a bit. It’s something that is very prevalent in my waking thoughts.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
A lazy day!
I was up last night with Nathan having food poisoning. At least, I think that's what it is. Poor thing was up all night long with diarrhea and vomitting. *sigh* I hate that there is nothing I can do to help him. I am having to force him to drink fluids because he hasn't gotten out of bed all day except to puke. I feel like a shitty wife because I can't help him when he is throwing his guts up. I am too squeamish about vomit to help. I don't know what will happen when I have kids. My mom never got over it so, I'm not sure if I will ever get over it.
Despite Nathan being sick, I have had a relaxing day. I have done laundry and done a few chores around the house. The day was beautiful. It was all grey and rainy then it got all cool and cloudy. I love it! It was nice. There is nothing like curling up on the couch for a nap with my kitty cats. It's what we do on Saturday. It's our tradition. I have watched movies all day and played with the laptop. It's been a nice day all in all. That is with the exception of Nathan being sick.
I also sent two old friends a message on myspace. I really hope I hear from them.
Despite Nathan being sick, I have had a relaxing day. I have done laundry and done a few chores around the house. The day was beautiful. It was all grey and rainy then it got all cool and cloudy. I love it! It was nice. There is nothing like curling up on the couch for a nap with my kitty cats. It's what we do on Saturday. It's our tradition. I have watched movies all day and played with the laptop. It's been a nice day all in all. That is with the exception of Nathan being sick.
I also sent two old friends a message on myspace. I really hope I hear from them.
Quite a week!
This week has been quite an event. First we got a new TV. It's huge! I adore it! 50 Inches of plasma goodness. We picked it up on the way home from work. I wanted to go to to Circuit city for a camera case and Nathan was pricing TVs. We have been talking about getting one for a while now. He gets the bright idea to go to Conn's and check since we are in the area anyway. I don't really want to go because we haven't researched the hell out of everything yet like we always do. We go anyway and find an LG on sale for like 897. It's gorgeous but right next to it is a samsung. I love the samsung brand. Their products are outstanding and it is a dream of mine to one day own all Samsung appliances/electronics! The difference is only 50 bucks. Nathan tells the sales rep that he will talk to me about the purchase over dinner. I am excited and now I want the damn thing. We walk out to the car and don't even open the door and he says "We're gonna buy this thing right now aren't we"? Umm Hell yes! It's sexy and decently priced. Hell of a deal. So I explain we have enough money in the bank to cover all of our moving expenses and there is nothing stopping us from getting this TV. He agrees and we go back to buy it. The sales rep laughs and tells us he knew we would be back because I wanted it. It's true, the more I want something the more Nathan wants to buy it. :)
This week I also got a new phone. Of course it's a samsung and it's gorgeous. It's the samsung behold. I adore it. It's absoloutely awesome and I enjoy playing with it. Touchscreen FTW! I got my purse in that Nathan ordered me for Valentine's day. It's very sturdy and I don't think even I could wear this thing out. It's totally cute though. Maybe I will post pictures later. I also got my new wallet that I ordered myself for V-day. Once Nathan told me about the purse I had to have my cute kitty wallet to go with it. Yaay for new stuff.
Hooray for being financially stable. The TV was our first big purchase ever not only as hubby/wife. I am ecstatic. It seems like finally all my chips are falling into place.
Now the only thing I am waiting on is this baby to come along. I am 9DPO and I took a test this morning and got a BFN. It is still kind of early anyway. I am really hoping I am pg and that we get to be parents soon.
This week I also got a new phone. Of course it's a samsung and it's gorgeous. It's the samsung behold. I adore it. It's absoloutely awesome and I enjoy playing with it. Touchscreen FTW! I got my purse in that Nathan ordered me for Valentine's day. It's very sturdy and I don't think even I could wear this thing out. It's totally cute though. Maybe I will post pictures later. I also got my new wallet that I ordered myself for V-day. Once Nathan told me about the purse I had to have my cute kitty wallet to go with it. Yaay for new stuff.
Hooray for being financially stable. The TV was our first big purchase ever not only as hubby/wife. I am ecstatic. It seems like finally all my chips are falling into place.
Now the only thing I am waiting on is this baby to come along. I am 9DPO and I took a test this morning and got a BFN. It is still kind of early anyway. I am really hoping I am pg and that we get to be parents soon.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Valentine's Day
My V-day was totally awesome. Nathan and I got some really yummy wings, chocolate dipped strawberries, and strawberry cheesecake. We went and bought 3 movies and spent all night snuggled watching them. It was a blast. I love staying in with my honey. My favorite days are when we don't leave the house at all. Delivery bitches! :)
We watched 3 awesome movies. Traitor, The Duchess (which depressed me but I loved it), and The Happening. I don't care if M.Night Shamalyn movies are gay, I love them. I LOVED the village and this one too. We snuggled and cozied up on the couch until like 1 am. I didn't want the night to end. It was really sweet and nice to have the house to ourselves even if we didn't get freaky! ;)
So while I was getting dinner set up for us to eat, my back started hurting. Apparently my back pain is back. That meant no sexy time which totally made me sad. It hurt so bad I could barely sleep that night. I rubbed some Icy Hot on it and just tried to sleep. Totally not fun. It still hurts now but not as bad as it did yesterday and Saturday.
That was my V-day! It was simple, cozy and easy going. I couldn't ask for a better night.
We watched 3 awesome movies. Traitor, The Duchess (which depressed me but I loved it), and The Happening. I don't care if M.Night Shamalyn movies are gay, I love them. I LOVED the village and this one too. We snuggled and cozied up on the couch until like 1 am. I didn't want the night to end. It was really sweet and nice to have the house to ourselves even if we didn't get freaky! ;)
So while I was getting dinner set up for us to eat, my back started hurting. Apparently my back pain is back. That meant no sexy time which totally made me sad. It hurt so bad I could barely sleep that night. I rubbed some Icy Hot on it and just tried to sleep. Totally not fun. It still hurts now but not as bad as it did yesterday and Saturday.
That was my V-day! It was simple, cozy and easy going. I couldn't ask for a better night.
Friday, February 13, 2009
TTC Vent
My Husband and I have started the journey of trying to have a baby. We have been trying since October and I have charting for a month and a half now. I am really a wreck about all this.
For so long, I was trying to avoid pregnancy. Now that I want to achieve pregnancy, I can't seem to get pregnant fast enough. I'm also so scared that I won't be able to have children. It is a fear of mine. It wouldn't stop me from being a mom at all. There is just something magical about feeling your baby grow and kick. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time and realizing that it really is going to happen. These are things I greatly yearn for. I have always known I wanted to be a mommy. When Nathan and I got married I was just overjoyed that we were going to start trying to concieve. He was too. We are still super excited but I am more anxious than anything. I am so nervous. I can't sleep until the alarm because I am too into my routine of taking my temp, recording and so on. I always wake up before it. Even when the oppurtunity to sleep in arises (and we all know I love to sleep), I just can't.
I hate that I want this so badly. For so long it was unattainable and now that we are trying to obtain this goal, it is really frustrating. I know I haven't been trying for nearly as long as some couples. I really feel for couples who have fertility issues or miscarry. I have a couple of nestie friends that have had miscarriages and my heart breaks for them. But I am also scared. What if that happens to me? Will I be able to handle it as gracefully as these women did?
I feel guilty for having all these feelings because I feel I don't have a right to feel like this when so many people are worse off. *sigh*
This is just a vent. I'm trying not to annoy the people around me with all this. So this is my outlet.
For so long, I was trying to avoid pregnancy. Now that I want to achieve pregnancy, I can't seem to get pregnant fast enough. I'm also so scared that I won't be able to have children. It is a fear of mine. It wouldn't stop me from being a mom at all. There is just something magical about feeling your baby grow and kick. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time and realizing that it really is going to happen. These are things I greatly yearn for. I have always known I wanted to be a mommy. When Nathan and I got married I was just overjoyed that we were going to start trying to concieve. He was too. We are still super excited but I am more anxious than anything. I am so nervous. I can't sleep until the alarm because I am too into my routine of taking my temp, recording and so on. I always wake up before it. Even when the oppurtunity to sleep in arises (and we all know I love to sleep), I just can't.
I hate that I want this so badly. For so long it was unattainable and now that we are trying to obtain this goal, it is really frustrating. I know I haven't been trying for nearly as long as some couples. I really feel for couples who have fertility issues or miscarry. I have a couple of nestie friends that have had miscarriages and my heart breaks for them. But I am also scared. What if that happens to me? Will I be able to handle it as gracefully as these women did?
I feel guilty for having all these feelings because I feel I don't have a right to feel like this when so many people are worse off. *sigh*
This is just a vent. I'm trying not to annoy the people around me with all this. So this is my outlet.
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