So lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. With the whole trying to conceive issue at the front of my mind, I have been pondering being a stay at home mom. The idea has always scared me. It has always been something I said I would NEVER do.
The reason it scares me is that it is surrendering all control (financial). I am like a man in the sense that I feel my paycheck gives me a say in how our family is run. Nathan is not so presumptuous to say anything like that at all, it’s just how I feel. Nathan respects the hell out of stay home moms, but I feel that I contribute to our family with a paycheck.
This isn’t to say stay at home moms don’t by any means. I also see these women on the nest who stay in their crappy relationships because she is a stay at home mom and has no job or income. What if that’s me? I don’t think Nathan would leave me but you never know what life holds. He could get sick of me one day and just leave. What happens if I have kids at this time? Then I will have been out of a job for so long. I will have no marketable skills, no experience, nothing that will help me provide for my children. The economy is crappy and I expect it to be for a while.
But, Nathan makes a good point. One I have thought about over and over again. He wants me to stay home at least for the first couple of years. He doesn’t want our kids to speak their first words or their take their first steps in the company of strangers. He wants it to be something we get to see. I totally agree, and I want to. But there is still that part of me that is scared and logical. I want to be the first one to see the major milestones in my child’s life. I don’t want to get told about it by a babysitter. *sigh* I would love to stay home! I like cooking and cleaning for the most part. I like taking care of my family, and doing things for people. It has always been my personality. I could have so much fun baking and enjoying my kiddos and animals.
Yet the whole time these thoughts are playing in my head, I can’t help but wonder what if? What if Nathan resents me for being able to stay home? What if I feel inadequate about not providing for our family? I wouldn’t be able to handle Nathan resenting me for staying home. He’s told me he wouldn’t but I can’t help but wonder. I always expect the worst and hope for the best.
The longer we try for a baby, the more I want to stay home. It hasn’t been long by any means, I just have these fleeting thoughts of falling asleep on the couch with our new baby, or playing a game with a toddler. And it makes me super happy until these horrible what if’s come creeping in. I am really confused.
There are pros and cons to both lifestyles. I just can’t decide between the two. It’s not like I even have to but it’s just something that I toy with quite a bit. It’s something that is very prevalent in my waking thoughts.
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Just a thought... I have heard one-income families say that it works well to have the person who stays at home manage the finances. It gives you a more even balance of power and relieves some of that tension, I've heard.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough decision... take your time. You can always change your mind later if things aren't working well. Good luck!