I'm sleepy

I'm so tired. I am falling asleep at work. All I want to do is sleep. I have cramps like a mofo but it's ok because my baby is in there. It's just my uterus stretching out.

I'm Pregnant!

This weekend I went up to Canyon Lake with my best friend and her mom (Mom 2 but for now I will refer to her as mom since that is what I call her). I needed a weekend just to get away from all the TTC stress and unwind. I just needed a weekend of not having to pick up after Nathan or take care of him. I just needed to do absoloutely nothing for a change. I left friday at 3ish. Well I left work at that time and we got on the road around 4ish after meeting at Candy's house that is like 45 mins away. That night I am craving chocolate and cheese and I munch on some before going to bed.

Saturday we were on our way to the Gruene Market Days and all of a sudden I felt extremely weak, dizzy, nauseated, and hot. So I asked Mom if we could stop for a bite. She said yes and after a while I felt much better. We went shopping at the outlet malls in new braunsfels and had a blast. That night I felt nauseated and icky but nothing too bad. We watched a movie before bed.

I only brought one pregnancy test with me because I was trying to take a break from the whole TTC nervous breakdown. Well my period should have started this weekend and when I took my temps they went up slightly. I got up and took my pregnancy test expecting to be disappointed. I see a VERY faint pink line. I wait for Mom and Candice to get up before asking them if they see the line or if I am seeing what I want. I ask if we can go get a test with the positive/negative signs. Mom says sure so we go and hunt one down. The nearest place was 15 mins away. We get back to the condo and I pee. I see a little pink plus sign. Again, I ask them to confirm at which point there are giggles, squeals of joy, hugs and kisses and tears from me of course.

The drive home was a long one. Mom even drove 80 MPH the whole way so we could get home faster. I didn't want to tell Nathan over the phone. I wanted to tell him in person. Before we left the resort mom bought a little lamb and a baby shirt. When I got home Candy and Mom followed me in and I told Nathan to walk to me and close his eyes. Then I told him hold his hands out together in front of him and placed the stuff in his hands. His reaction was priceless and he was so excited.

I took another test this morning (yes a different brand) as well as a blood test. The blood test came back positive and I scheduled my first prenatal appointment today. I am so excited. I feel like utter crap right now, but it is totally worth it to have what we have been waiting for!

Stressed

So this TTC thing is taking a toll on me. My bestie called me today and wanted to know if I wanted to go to Canyon Lake with her and her mom. I said sure. I hate leaving Nathan but I realize just how much I need a relaxing weekend. The thing is Candy, and Mama (candy's mom) and I all have the same interests. This weekend is going to be a quiet weekend, reading books, watching movies and sleeping. This sounds like just what I need. No housework, no taking care of Nate, just worrying about me. I called Nathan to let him know and he was excited for me. I got a little excited at the prospect of lounging by the pool with a good book. I have several I can read. I may even re read the twilight series.

Then I found out I may not be able to leave early like I thought I would. Work may get in the way. It's something that I actually have to do since Mom isn't here and she is normally the one who does it. I hope it can get done before we need to go. If not I will be staying behind instead of going to Canyon Lake. *sigh*

My temp went up slightly which is good. I want them to stay up. Today I feel like a crazy person. All I want to do is cry. I got choked up last night watching that 70s show! How pathetic is that?! I am so hormonal. It's worse than my normal weepy-ness (not a real word lol) that comes before my period. I am fighting back tears and other than not going to Canyon Lake and having TTC problems, everything is normal. I was weepy when I woke up this morning and nothing had even happened so I know it's not just wanting to get away and possibly not being able to.

I peed on another stick and it was negative. I did analyze other people's chart on fertility friend and some people didn't even get a positive until like 17 dpo. I'm holding out hope. I know I said I wouldn't but I can't help it. I'm trying to make myself believe it's already a failed cycle.

10 DPO

I have taken another test and it's negative. *sigh* I'm trying not to get my hopes up about this cycle. It already feels like another failed cycle...next month is cycle 8. I have been avoiding my blog, because I feel super crazy during the two week wait.

On 7 DPO I got some very light (like super light) spotting, but I am not getting my hopes up because I'm convinced my eyes were playing tricks. I didn't even tell Nathan. He asked if I was pregnant yet and looked at him like he was crazy. Wouldn't I have told him? Ummm hello! I feel like such a failure, like something is wrong. I have so much TTC stuff it's not even funny. I bought some FSH tests to take on days 3-5 of my next cycle, to make sure I have enough FSH. I think I am also going to do the robitussin thing next cycle. I will also be elevating my hips by putting a pillow under them after bab dancing. At this point I am willing to do anything even old wives tales in order to get knocked up.

7 DPO

Because I am completely obsessed, I took a pregnancy test today. It was a BFN. I still have 6 more days until the end of my luetal phase. 6 more days. 6 more days to see a BFP.

It seems like everyone around me who either just started trying or isn't trying at all is pregnant. I'm really kind of depressed about it. Is something wrong with me? Why don't I deserve to be a mommy? Right before Easter a friend of mine since high school announced that he and his girlfriend are pregnant. They weren't even trying...

I'm doing everything right. 6 Failed cycles so far. If it doesn't happen this month, this will be unlucky number 7. I die a little bit inside with each passing month. The false positive didn't kill me nearly as much as this is. So for now, I will continue taking my prenatals, cutting out all the bad things like caffine and alcohol during my luetal phase.

And so it begins...

The obsession begins. I am now 3 DPO and of course for the next 10 days I will be a wreck. I will be obsessing over my temps and charts. I hate this. There is no way I could stop charting. I want to maximize my chances of trying to have a baby.

Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. I was looking at my chart talking to Nathan, and I just started crying. A fellow nestie is pregnant and while I was so excited for her, it just stung. They just started trying and it happened for them. Poor Nathan. I just started crying uncontrollably. He asked what was wrong and I stammered out everything I had said here. He let me cry and just held me for a while. Even typing this, I am getting sad again, teary eyed even. Have you ever just wanted something so damn bad it hurts?

Infertility Costs

Wow...just wow. I have so much to think about. Apparently my RE doesn't have payment plans for Infertility. That totally sucks but I understand. Quite a few people were on payment plans then just stopped paying after they decided to give up their TTC journey. I would do anything to try and have a baby including pay outrageous amounts of money.

I called today and spoke the lady that handles payment and billing and she gave me a breakdown of all the costs that would be associated with getting an IUI. I wanted to know because I will be saving money for when we eventually need to go down that avenue. So far its up to 1440.00 excluding any bloodwork. Bloodwork is probably going to be the most expensive part of all this. I have to say 1440.00 for an IUI isn't too shabby. I was expecting much worse. Don't get me wrong. It blows that I can't pay it out over time, but I was expecting everything to total like 3k. I have no idea where this imaginary number came from. Here are the prices:

Consultation-280.00
Follicle Study-185.00
Semen Analysis-115.00
Sperm Watch-115.00
IUI-225.00
Surgical Tray (used in IUI)-70.00

The total cost of IUI is 525.00
If it falls on a weekend-625.00
If it falls on a holdiay-675.00

I think I will be talking to Nathan about starting a baby fund. That money can be used for any fertility treatments that we might be needing. Everyone says not to do anything drastic until after a year. I am worried because it has been 6 months of timed baby dancing. This cycle is #7. I am a little over halfway there. In about 5 more months, I should be able to save the amount of money we would need. I keep telling myself the odds of getting pregnant are 20 percent each cycle. It makes me feel better only temporarily then I get really down and start wondering if something is wrong with me.

I get this anxiety about there being something wrong with me and wanting to start an infertility work up as soon as possible. I am so paranoid that I am wasting time not addressing a problem. I am starting to get really stressed. Sex around the right time seems like a chore. Any other time we have sex, it's fine. The stress of TTC ruins it for me. Nathan feels the same way. For now, I will be trying to find a way to save this amount of money up so that if and when we do go down that road, it will be less stressful (is there such a thing?).

TTC Cycle 7

I have to say I am becoming increasingly bummed about each failed cycle. This makes #7 that we have been trying. We have been charting for 4 cycles. For the first 3 months I used the bump ovulation calculator. The days seem to be right on with FF. It gives me the fertile days correctly. All I have ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mother. As each cycle goes by, I feel like maybe something is wrong with me. I feel broken. I know it takes other couples on average a year to have a child, but I'm a little more than halfway to that point. I know some people can't have their own biological children at all and it's something that scares me. I want to feel the kicking, moving and see that little foot or hand as it pushes against my stomach. *sigh* After ovulation I become obssesive about my temps. I analyze every little thing and even ask a fellow nestie a million questions (Thanks Ibis for answering the slew of questions I ask each cycle).

For Nathan and I this is the only missing piece of the puzzle for us. This is the thing we want the most. Everyone asks us if there is any luck and I feel crappy every time I answer with a big resounding no. The people asking are our friends and I know they are genuinely excited for us but it still sucks. I'm realy concerned that my prolactin levels may cause me to be infertile or at least make this harder. I get really wistful when I am around our friends that have babies or are pregnant. As happy as I am for them, I am just overcome with a sadness for what I don't have, for the thing I want the most in my life.

I really hate hearing the words, you're young, you still have time. Yes I know I do. I also hate hearing about how when God thinks it's time it will be time. Really? I don't like hearing either of those things so please spare me the theological lecture. It's not helpful and only serves to further piss me off. I want to be a young mother. I like the relationship my mother and I have. I like that I can relate to her and that the generation gap is merely a gap not a cavern. Everyone has their own way of doing things and this is how I want to do them for me. It's what I feel is best for me. So spare me your bullshit reasons that you think will make me feel better. They don't make me feel better and make me want to punch you in the throat! True story!

With each cycle that goes by I feel more and more sad. Another cycle closer to a year. With that thought, I think if it takes me longer than a year to conceieve that surely there is some malfunction with my body. Lord knows I will do as much as I think I can take to have a kiddo. I could never do endless rounds of IVF or IUI. I have my limits and Nathan and I have talked about those limits.

Nathan and I didn't baby dance last night because my ovaries hurt so bad. It was ovulation day so that is to be expected. However, last cycle and this one, the pain seems greater than normal. I couldn't even sit down without it hurting, I had to lay down. I didn't go out with friends last night because I couldn't take a heating pad with me. Those things that are like portable heating pads don't work for shit! Don't buy em.

And as crazy as it sounds I feel bad for this fact. We have baby danced for the 4 days leading up to ovulation, just not on the ovluation day itself. We will probably BD tonight too, but I can't help but somehow feel that I missed an oppurtunity. It doesn't matter than Ovulation itself isn't your most fertile time, I just feel like it's something else I could have done to get PG. I keep beating myself up emotionally and I have got to stop.

Every month after ovulation is detected on my chart, I go into each luetal phase like I am pregnant. I'm not saying I act like I am or even think I am. I stop drinking as much caffeine, eat better, don't drink any alcohol, don't take any type of medication just in case. For once I just want it to be because I really am pregnant.

A long update

We went camping this past weekend with some awesome friends and it was a blast. This is only the second vacation Nathan and I have had in the 5 and a half years we have been together. The first was our honeymoon. It was super cold. We had no warm clothes. At night it was in the 40s and it was windy to boot. The first night sucked. The second and third nights, we were good. We went to walmart in Uvalde the second day and got extra warm clothes. We even bought Garner hoodies to sleep in. I got up before Nathan on the second day so I went to the park store and bought some hoodies and hot cocoa for us to warm up.

We got in the river during the day when it warmed up but it was still super cold. I realize this river is called the frio river (frio meaning cold in spanish) but normally after being in the water you get used to it. Not this time, our appendages went numb. We still had fun. The normal things to do were closed but we still managed to have a lot of fun. We climbed a mountain and I even managed not to eat it too bad. I am a really clumsy person so hiking doesn't agree with me. Falling off the side of a mountain is not on my to do list.

We got in trouble 3 times at Garner because there is no alcohol consumption in the park. We were told by the people at the store as long as we were discreet by drinking out of cups or koozies we were good. The park ranger saw us pouring beer into cups and told us that and I quote "there is no drinking in the park of garner". Twice we got busted for that and the other time was because our fire was too high. There wasn't much we could do about that since we had just thrown some starter logs on the fire.

I haven't had internet at my house for 3 weeks now. Apparently my signal is really weak and time warner needs to lay down some more lines. It has been hell because everything is going through the homeowner's association since we live in a townhome. Everything has been pulling teeth. I have to say I am not happy with the realty company that runs our townhome. Our place looked like shit when we moved in. They have done a crappy job of managing things. It was disgusting when we moved in.

We now have a washer and dryer. It has been awesome to do laundry whenever I want and not have to wait on other people. I can just put a load in and walk away and do something else. There isn't anymore getting 20 bucks worth of quarters just to wash clothes. I am super excited and have really enjoyed it. We did about 6 loads of laundry last night and there is still more that needs to be done. All in all we will have 12-14 loads to do. We are almost done. There is so much that needs to be done to the hosue. I am working on it slowly.

I ordered a super cute sign for our bedroom door from american woodcrafts. Totally cute. It says love and then behind it, Always kiss me goodnight! I love it.



We are still TTC though we are debating going in for a progesterone and prolactin blood tests at 8DPO. We aren't sure. The cost is only 300 bucks and it's not covered by insurance. I think it will have to wait. All the moving expenses have drained our savings.

Nathan and I were talking last night and we decided with the tax return money we will be going car shopping. I really hope that the tax return hits on Friday. If it does by this weekend, I can have a new car. I have been without a car for 2 and half to three years. Finally it is starting to get to me and I feel stir crazy when Nathan leaves and I am stuck at home. I hate running my errands when he gets off work on the weekend because I can't do what when I want to or need to. The contenders are mazda, toyota and honda. We are going to test drive all three and see how I like it. I love hondas and toyotas and have owned both brands. Cross your fingers our return gets deposited on Friday.