TTC Cycle 7

I have to say I am becoming increasingly bummed about each failed cycle. This makes #7 that we have been trying. We have been charting for 4 cycles. For the first 3 months I used the bump ovulation calculator. The days seem to be right on with FF. It gives me the fertile days correctly. All I have ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mother. As each cycle goes by, I feel like maybe something is wrong with me. I feel broken. I know it takes other couples on average a year to have a child, but I'm a little more than halfway to that point. I know some people can't have their own biological children at all and it's something that scares me. I want to feel the kicking, moving and see that little foot or hand as it pushes against my stomach. *sigh* After ovulation I become obssesive about my temps. I analyze every little thing and even ask a fellow nestie a million questions (Thanks Ibis for answering the slew of questions I ask each cycle).

For Nathan and I this is the only missing piece of the puzzle for us. This is the thing we want the most. Everyone asks us if there is any luck and I feel crappy every time I answer with a big resounding no. The people asking are our friends and I know they are genuinely excited for us but it still sucks. I'm realy concerned that my prolactin levels may cause me to be infertile or at least make this harder. I get really wistful when I am around our friends that have babies or are pregnant. As happy as I am for them, I am just overcome with a sadness for what I don't have, for the thing I want the most in my life.

I really hate hearing the words, you're young, you still have time. Yes I know I do. I also hate hearing about how when God thinks it's time it will be time. Really? I don't like hearing either of those things so please spare me the theological lecture. It's not helpful and only serves to further piss me off. I want to be a young mother. I like the relationship my mother and I have. I like that I can relate to her and that the generation gap is merely a gap not a cavern. Everyone has their own way of doing things and this is how I want to do them for me. It's what I feel is best for me. So spare me your bullshit reasons that you think will make me feel better. They don't make me feel better and make me want to punch you in the throat! True story!

With each cycle that goes by I feel more and more sad. Another cycle closer to a year. With that thought, I think if it takes me longer than a year to conceieve that surely there is some malfunction with my body. Lord knows I will do as much as I think I can take to have a kiddo. I could never do endless rounds of IVF or IUI. I have my limits and Nathan and I have talked about those limits.

Nathan and I didn't baby dance last night because my ovaries hurt so bad. It was ovulation day so that is to be expected. However, last cycle and this one, the pain seems greater than normal. I couldn't even sit down without it hurting, I had to lay down. I didn't go out with friends last night because I couldn't take a heating pad with me. Those things that are like portable heating pads don't work for shit! Don't buy em.

And as crazy as it sounds I feel bad for this fact. We have baby danced for the 4 days leading up to ovulation, just not on the ovluation day itself. We will probably BD tonight too, but I can't help but somehow feel that I missed an oppurtunity. It doesn't matter than Ovulation itself isn't your most fertile time, I just feel like it's something else I could have done to get PG. I keep beating myself up emotionally and I have got to stop.

Every month after ovulation is detected on my chart, I go into each luetal phase like I am pregnant. I'm not saying I act like I am or even think I am. I stop drinking as much caffeine, eat better, don't drink any alcohol, don't take any type of medication just in case. For once I just want it to be because I really am pregnant.